My Pond

I live in a nice suburbian suburb. And because it's a nice suburbian suburb development, it has retention ponds for retaining water that falls out of the sky. I happen to live on the edge of one such pond....it marks the back of my territory...erm...yard.

Anyways, we've always had ducks, frogs, fish, Canadian (I HATE THOSE STUPID) Geese, and the occasional blue heron in the pond and, recently, we've had a pair of muskrats move in.

....which has got me thinking.

I mean, being a huge polluter, I want to take advantage of every opportunity at my disposal to ruin our earth for future generations. But, I also want to bitterly cling to my religion and guns through resisting the totalitarian authority of the Big Obama administration.

And, that's when it hit me! The juxtaposition of both of my life goals in one single... uh... action.... packed.... uh... THING!

Let me preface this with saying that I regularly pollute my pond...I mean, I'm a good capitalist! Every two months or so, I lay down the appropriate fertilizer for my grass, depending on the time of year, and watch the resulting greening of my lawn AND the subsequent algae bloom on the pond. So, I'm no stranger to messing around with Nature's workings!

Ok, my idea: You know how all these governments are trying to store their old used up nuclear waste? Well, I can have them pay me to take it off their hands, and I can dump it in my pond! Not only will I make a buck, but also, eventually, I'll have a whole army of mutant ducks and muskrats to do my bidding!!

You can have my mutant blue heron when you pry it from my cold dead glowing green...uh...POND! That is, if you make it past the writhing mass of tentacles that will pluck your eyes out and rip off your arms, Mr. Government Official Sir!!