Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Some Musings

 Filling in the ellipsis.

Exploding, over at Exploding Unicorn (I suspect that is not his given name and will assign him a name as I write this), has an implied challenge on the subtitle to his blog, namely:

...and that's where we get the saying, "It exploded like a unicorn."

As you can see, the dot dot dot (aka an ellipsis) implies that there is a story behind the conclusion, and I have decided to pick up the gauntlet that Bob the Unicorn has thrown down.  But first, a little ado about unicorn theory, light wave concepts, and  misconceptions about this fearsome and capable creature.

Challenger Billy the Horned Horse has a reputation for erratic Halo deaths, wantonly lacking parenting skills, and a super work avoiding ethic.  While all that he does is an example for all of us to attain, he is a representation of the species, one should not confuse the sample with the whole.  Jimbo here is the exception that has spawned many a unicorn misconception as well as most of the outright lies attributed to the fairy creatures.

The most egregious myth that is attributed to Greg, and his kind - pointed headed equines, is that they eat sunshine and poop rainbows.  The more mundane humans actually think they eat ordinary grains, but even the casual observer can see that is demonstrably false.  After 10.45 years of studying unicorns, and some of that time intensely, I have concluded that this terrifying being does not crap rainbows, but eats them.

Now, this explanation is not without its detractors, and I'm sure that Yogi over at that blog can clarify his diet, but for now, I'm going with what evidence I have before me.  A quick aside, some corroborating evidence for this is the observation from Peggy (from my chiropractor's office) that the lack of rain this summer has taken a huge toll on the unicorn population.  It finally clicked as to why I've been seeing unicorn corpses all over the road as of late.

So, unicorns eat light, which consists of several different wavelengths in the light spectrum.  It is vitally important that one understands, embraces, and propagates this fact.  I have not been able to identify unicorn droppings, but I suspect they are either Hello Kitty gear, puppies, kittens, or boy bands.  One hopes the need for eliminating doesn't happen often in the case of the latter.

The next part of the theory is pure conjecture, but is readily verifiable with the use of an infrared/ultraviolet waveform generator with subtle x-ray and gamma ray overtones.  Unfortunately, mine was in the shop, so you'll have to verify it on your own.

As we have proven without a doubt, unicorns eat rainbows.  Now, what other person, place, or thing does one associate with rainbows?  No, not Key West.  No, not Rainbow Brite...  NO NOT SKITTLES!!  LEPRECHAUNS YOU DOLT!  Ahem.  Sorry.  Yes, wee little leprechauns, hiding their gold at the end of...unicorn food.

Of course, everyone can see where this is going, but for the sake of a complete, scientific paper, I will state obvious:  Occasionally, through no fault of their own, a very small (see what I did there?) number of leprechauns are accidentally eaten by unicorns.  I mean, really, who hasn't accidentally eaten a bug or even a small bird when chowing down on their seafood fettuccine alfredo?  I'm sure I'm not the only one.

While every leprechaun that dies is a tragedy in the little community of the lucky ones (one could viably argue for the unlucky ones being weeded out by errant unicorns), it is beyond the scope of this blog post to go into such matters.  What is in the scope of this increasingly long and vitally important piece is the effects of such an interaction between Percy the unicorn and Sam the leprechaun, may he rest in peace.

To help visualize the catastrophic result of a unicorn eating (accidentally or on purpose) a non-light waveform spectrum food, grab the nearest solar panel and whatever passes for a leprechaun around your house.  As I hate the environment and have no solar panels in a 100 mile radius of me, I substituted a cheese grater.  As for what passes for a leprechaun, my dog Denali was the closest thing, but unfortunately got wind of the impending experiment and booked a flight to Maui for the duration, so I had to use a tomato plant.

Now that you have your "solar panel" and your "leprechaun", push the "leprechaun" through the "solar panel" without breaking the "solar panel."  In my equal but different experiment, I was able to accomplish this with the aid of a hammer and oven mitts.  The results were not pretty; in fact, the "leprechaun" (I am going to use a scientific term here) "gummed up the works."

The same scientific term can be used to describe what happens when a being whose dietary habits consist solely of the light spectrum ingests something that is part of the physical, albeit mythical, world.  The unicorn's inner workings are, in the words of the late Rascal T. Pickens, "all gummed up in dere."

Unfortunately, the affected unicorn has no clue as to its fatal condition and continues to prance about eating more and more rainbows.  With no way to pass the rainbows into Slayer t-shirts, puppies, kitties, or boy bands, the unicorn then begins to increase in size like a water balloon being filled with a hose.  The laws of physics refuse to make exceptions and eventually, the unicorn...explodes.

...and that's where we get the saying, "It exploded like a unicorn."

Todd, you're welcome.


Exploding Unicorn said...

I've had my site up for over six years, and in all that time you're the first person to inquire about my tag line. There are several points from your well-crafted missive that I need to address:

1. Exploding is of course my given Christian name, as my birth certificate will attest.
2. I have no idea what unicorns eat. As you are well aware, I specialize in unicorn rape, not unicorn dietary habits.
3. I thought I posted the article from which I pulled the line "...and that's where they get the saying it exploded like a unicorn." You made me realize I did not. For educating me, your reward will be never learning the truth of it's origin. I considered giving you the real story for where it came from, but it's just so bland compared to your explanation that I think I'll have to adopt your theory as the official meaning behind it.

Rusty said...

Thanks for clarifying, Harry.

I'm sure if you set the font right you can fit this blog post in its entirety in your sub-title space.

And number 2? Glad I keep my unicorn safely locked up...