Please Help

Today I'd like to call attention to a devastating chronic disease that has received little to no recognition despite it afflicting literally millions of people in the world.

I'm talking about Cranial Rectum Inversion (CRI) or, in the common vernacular, having one's head up one's ass.

It is estimated that 99.9% of politicians and celebrities suffer with CRI undiagnosed. (The other .1% are reportedly looking at their anus and thinking that it might be a good place to put their head). Notable people with CRI include Michael Moore, Rush Limbaugh, Tiger Woods, Nancy Pelosi, Lebron James, and Sean Penn; sometimes whole groups of people, including the NAACP, the KKK, the Democrat and Republican parties, and the vast majority of the media, have been known to contract this nonfatal disease. Our young people, especially teen males, are a huge at risk group for contracting CRI, and unfortunately, there is almost a 100% conversion rate at some point during the years from 13 to 20.

But closer to home, I have to admit that I have suffered from CRI on and off for years, and I'm compelled to write about it to increase awareness of the suffering that not only I have endured, but also my friends and family.

What follows is a list of the symptoms and indications that lead to a diagnosis of CRI.

One of the first indications that a person has CRI is an acute loss of hearing anyone besides oneself. As the head is fully engulfed, the person's ears are flattened against their head and partially or even totally occluded by the walls of the rectum. This situation leads to tragic consequences as the CRI sufferer often either cannot hear what others say or, even worse, thinks that nobody is even trying to communicate with them. Sadly, the only voice that they can hear is their own.

Another readily observable manifestation of CRI is the victim's almost constant complaining of being kept in the dark as well as life being crappy in general. Along with these symptoms, the sufferer complains of everything tasting like crap (usually only teenage sufferers). The sheer volume of feces that one has to deal with while afflicted with CRI usually leads to statements such as "Why do I have to deal with all this crap (or other synonym)?"; "Why are you giving me so much crap?"; and "You don't give a crap about me."

The travesty is that CRI victims fail to see (whether due to the extreme darkness of their rectums or other reasons is unknown) is that they are surrounded by their own crap of their own making.

In some cases, mostly teen males again, the sense of smell is so compromised that they are unable to smell their own body odor, even when the scent becomes overpowering to the normal human and is fatal to small mammals and reptiles. Once again, the sealing of the anus around the neck occludes the nostrils from outside influences; combine that with the overwhelming stink of poop, and it's easy to see why the olfactory nerves become desensitized.

As in most syndromes of this nature, there are severe cases as well as mild cases of CRI. The more severe cases (teen males, politicians, celebrities, and professional sports people) often present themselves with not only the cranium inserted firmly into the rectum, but the subject's hands are often observed to be grabbing onto the hips and their arms are bulging with the strain of trying to shove the head up farther.

Thank God that He gave us shoulders or we might just disappear...

So, what now?

It is my belief that all of us have suffered at one time or another from CRI (especially if you are a male above the age of 20). Recognizing the symptoms in your coworkers is fairly easy, but admitting that you or a loved one might be suffering from CRI can be a difficult and taxing process that is sure to test the limits of both physical strength as well as mental fortitude.

But it is well worth the effort to disengage a cranium from the associated rectum, especially if that effort results in what I like to refer to as "the big pop" or "that popping sound" or "the great uncorking" as the head is released from the rectum and makes, for lack of a better word, a popping sound. POP!

At the great uncorking, a critical juncture is met, and it is essential that great care be taken in order to prevent an immediate relapse, which happens in most cases with the aforementioned politicians, celebrities, and the like.

It is of utmost importance to make the person aware of their surroundings. Some suggestions are:

- Comment on the light that is sure to be blinding them and assure them that it means them no harm. Explain that the normal order of things is to take advantage of the light rather than live in darkness. Some people prefer to keep their deeds in the dark and will attempt to self inflict CRI, such cases are, unfortunately, usually permanent.

- Draw their attention to the fact that they can hear you much more clearly. While there may still be some crap in their ears, there is a marked improvement in auditory reception when there is nothing actually pressing up against the ear canals. Once again, assure them that this is perfectly normal to hear other people clearly; you may want to use subdued tones in order to not frighten them.

- Point out that the world is not full of their crap. Remember, up until now, they have only seen, tasted, heard, smelled, and felt their own crap; it's all they know. Gently guide them to the realization that the world contains more than just them; yes, it's scary, but necessary.

- Make them aware that they have been suffering from CRI (feel free to use this post as a reference and teaching tool). Be sure to comfort them with the fact that it is not fatal in most cases, but it is a serious condition that needs to be addressed.

Despite your best attempts, you or your loved one may insist upon self initiating CRI. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO RESTRAIN THEM! Feel free to implore them, berate them, yell or scream at them, but do not in any way try to lay hands on them as you may get caught up in their efforts to reinsert their head in their rectum; that only ends up badly.

In conclusion, Cranial Rectum Inversion is a serious, nonfatal, debilitating condition that affects humans (and in the case of teen males, possibly small mammals and reptiles), and it usually results in narcissistic behavior and disregard for anyone but themselves.

It can affect anyone that is a human being, but is especially prevalent in politicians, celebrities, teen males, and certain groups. It is observable in singular instances as well as mass infestations. The disease knows no racial, political, sexual, occupational, or national boundaries; anyone, anywhere can be affected.

CRI's symptoms include a lack of hearing, compromised olfactory senses, a sense of always being in the dark, and a general crappy outlook on life. Sufferers may or may not be engaged in pushing the head in further on an active basis.

At present, there is no permanent cure for CRI; usually the only time one realizes that they suffer from CRI, is just after they have pulled their head out. Repeated entreaties from outsiders to disengage the cranium from the rectum fall on (somewhat) deaf ears, although there are a few cases in which this tactic has been successful.

The biggest tool that can be used to combat CRI is awareness. Speak to your loved ones before they contract CRI, and talk to them about CRI during the time that their heads are out of their rectums. And always, while CRI is almost always self inflicted, remember that the roles between you and your loved one could easily be reversed.

My hope for you is that soon, you or your loved one suffering from Cranial Rectum Inversion will look around and wonder, "What was that popping sound?" Peace be with you.